How to Get Dismissed as a Juror at the R. Kelly Trial

I have a teenage daughter. Several axed jurors provided this explanation for why they couldn’t give Kelly a fair trial. “I would have a hard time see anything involving a child without thinking of my child,” one man said.

I would change the age of consent. Two who were kicked off offered this philosophy, one going so far as to suggest that “nature already had an age of [sexual] consent: puberty.”

I save lives. An oncologist was excused from duty after he told the judge that jury service would create a logistical nightmare for his patients.

Um, well, er, yes, I think I could be fair to Mr. Kelly. Maybe, yes Nearly everyone who paused when asked if he or she could give the singer a fair trial got the boot from either the judge or the defense.

I’m a cop One Niles police officer lasted only about two minutes in the interview room before he was dismissed because of his profession.

I (heart) R. Kelly Nothing gets prospective jurors booted faster than telling the prosecution they are a fan of Kelly’s. Just ask the woman who called him a “musical genius.” When prodded to say something negative about Kelly, the best she could come up with was: “He and [rapper] Jay-Z don’t get along?” Prosecutors bounced her soon after.

I’ll change my vacation plans. Overeagerness to serve on the jury is a definite red flag to attorneys. When one man offered to rearrange a trip to see his parents, the prosecution bounced him for being star-struck.

I work for a law firm. A legal secretary wrote on her questionnaire, “I believe Mr. Kelly is guilty of the charges due to what I have read in the papers, and the fact that he was indicted by the grand jury further validates my beliefs.” The woman and her perfectly worded response were excused. Lest she think she pulled a fast one on the court, Cook County Judge Vincent Gaughan knew her answer had been coached.

I’m getting married! The judge dismissed one woman whose wedding was set for the end of June. He didn’t believe she could concentrate on the trial amid all the pre-wedding prep. The woman, who sported a nice-size diamond on her left hand, looked thrilled to be released.

I’m currently involved in a lawsuit. Three people named as parties in existing civil lawsuits were automatically excused from service.

Please call my mom When one juror failed to show up for service, deputies called his house and his mother answered. She told the court that she didn’t know where her son was and that he hadn’t been “right” since he was shot in the head a while back. The judge and attorneys agreed to let him off the hook.

I blame R. Kelly for Sept. 11. When the judge asked one prospective juror about his feelings regarding Kelly, he cryptically answered: “R. Kelly may have led the Taliban in attacking us on 9-11, but you can’t prove it.” You’re right, we can’t. In fact, we’re fairly certain that no one has ever tried.

(via Chicago Tribune)